MEET NOEL
“Turning the new year over with a new face. My name is Tisza (Tie-sa) Noel. To those who knew me before my recovery, I was Tisza: a chaotic and emotional energy leech, whose intentions were always overly seeking for love. As I moved into my journey of recovery, I assumed that the name and identity were the issue. Therefore, to others, I am known as Noel. Combining the two, here I sit. I have reached my 30-day milestone while also reaching my 30th year around the sun. The significance of my new sober date of November 30th, 2023, is given directly through the mercy of my higher power.
My lapse began way before the physical action. I was in treatment, comfortable. Weary of making change out of fear that if I was better, I would lose my supports. So I made small progress every now and then, and then would turn around and cover those steps in sabotage. A pattern. A consistency of insanity (doing the same thing again and again, expecting a different result). On Thanksgiving Day of 2023, I came back to my hometown of Boston, after 3 years of avoiding the city where my trauma began. I ran from state to state, chasing to find what was simply sitting inside my heart and soul all along.
I came home to see my family, reunite with my identity of Tisza, a self sabotaging and fearful dreamer. I found her right where I left her.
My very good friend Veronica was with me the last few months before my return home. We spent our days laughing and creating internal chaos, naming it as friendship. However, our friendship was much more intentional, much more meaningful than our self-destruction.
On the morning after Thanksgiving, I got the dreadful call that I internally hoped and prayed would never come. Veronica had passed, after years of her own battle; her body had decided it needed its final rest. My first true awareness and introduction to deep grief and understanding that everything is temporary and the body does indeed keep score.
Veronica was the friend who gave me the praise I was secretly dying for. The validation of beauty, kindness, and power. She spoke life into me and reminded me of my value as often as she could. She sat me down one day to tell me that there is no solution behind holding onto the misery. That instead the act of using each day to share the joy of life is the most beautiful and simple action of success. With vibrancy and carefree love she navigated the world of addiction and recovery. Before we parted ways, and she parted from life, she would consistently be on me about getting a sponsor, more specifically, to share her sponsor. She wanted our sisterhood to be fully wrapped in love and growth. I hesitated, truly wondering if I wanted what the program had to offer. Our last conversations were surrounded in making the phone call to her sponsor.
I could easily say her death is why I relapsed, but while practicing a program of honesty. My relapse began as soon as I boarded the flight to Boston days before. I drank to oblivion, calling the program I was supposed to return to, wreaking havoc in my instability. They later set me up with detox, with an intention to return afterwards. Luckily, God had a new plan. I was rejected to return after detox and landed at a new program here in Boston. What felt like the biggest heartbreak was my biggest blessing. God was aware I had no intention of truly recovering; because I was comfortable and warm in my institutionalization.
What felt like my dark night of the soul has been my saving grace. I found myself spiritually awakened. I woke up to the realization that my life was on the path to be destined on empty dreams and no action the more I allowed myself to stay stagnant. With my newfound angel, Veronica, I stuck close to my new sponsor, inspired by Veronica’s push for recovery. Officially tying us together in forever sisterhood. And I made a commitment to myself to make a change, in her honor. In my honor.
I landed and grounded into my ultimate desire to be free from external comfort and validation. With a setup in a new program in Boston, my roommate the first few weeks was named Veronica, and every morning on the drive to the program, we pass a store named Veronica’s convenience. A gentle reminder from my guardian angel. I accepted and surrendered.
Today, I am on the 4th step of NA with my sponsor, eternal sober sisters with Veronica. I am celebrating 30 days, and all I know is what is meant for me will find me. For God’s plan is inevitable. I am finding trust through simple habits such as, listening to worship music and podcasts. And strength in the deep-rooted commitment for this to be my final sober date. Sober from more than drugs and alcohol. Sober from self-hatred, people-pleasing, self-harm, and giving up. Welcome to my journey. Welcome to my redemption, as I now take stock in Sober In Boston. I take stock in my healing.
With Love for all whom lost,
are lost and fear loss. I am with you.”
-Tisza Noel
