My First Sober Concert
A lot of my drinking and drugging stemmed from social anxiety. No self esteem. Feeling awkward. Not having the courage to do something sober. Not knowing what to do with my hands.
In sobriety, I’ve had to sharpen my self awareness, so in moments where I’m feeling triggered, I can break it down. Why do I want to drink or drug right now?
It always comes down to not feeling comfortable (or boredom).
So in sobriety, I still have those socially anxious moments. That little voice in the back of my head still tells me to bail on my plans and that I’m awkward or not enough.
The difference is, now instead of reaching for a drink or drug, I sit with the discomfort. I break down the thoughts in my head.
((This is why it’s so important to sloooww doowwnn our brains, practice mindfulness and gratitude))
Stay with me here-
I was invited last minute to go to Slipknot with a friend I’ve grown up with, drank and drugged with, and am now reconnected in recovery with.
So last night I’m standing in a crowd full of people at my first live show in sobriety. I was totally out of my element. I had never gotten into Slipknot and only knew Cypress Hill’s top songs, so this was all brand new to me.
(Boom. Right there, I made a conscious decision to be patient with myself as I will undoubtedly feel uncomfortable having never been.)
I had those awkward feelings. I was hot and sticky. I didn’t know the lyrics they were all screaming. I was terrified of the mosh pits forming around me. I was literally thinking thoughts like- “was I supposed to keep my hands up that long?”
But then I broke it down. In the moment, I said to myself-
-No one gives a shit about what you’re doing with your hands, get over yourself.
-A majority of the people are feeling the same way.
-I made more of an ass out of myself in active use than I’m capable of doing in sobriety.
This is how I was able to break through those shitty feelings.
Then I was just in it. In a crowd full of people, over the top ecstatic. I fell back in love with the energy, the music, the people. Every feel good chemical in my brain was firing off at once and HOLY SHIT. I’m still on a high from it.
I would’ve never achieved that level of exhilaration naturally if my mind was controlled by a fear of relapsing or my anxiety telling me everything that can go wrong will go wrong.
That little voice of terror still crept in, but in sobriety, I’m able to manage it. I know I have control of it.
Now that I’m further along in my recovery, I have all these mini victories that happen each day, fueling my self love. I have evidence now of other successful sober experiences that prove I am capable of pushing through the discomfort and proving that little voice wrong. And that is where the magic happens.
Keep this in mind in sobriety- It’s ok to feel those shitty feelings. It’s ok to have that little voice in the back of your head. It’s more than ok, IT’S NORMAL!
It’s how you handle the feelings and that voice in your head that makes a difference.
I promise you, sitting with the discomfort for a moment, breaking it down, and getting through it will allow you to achieve a high that’s untouched. And I mean that. Because it’s not a high you feel guilty or shameful about. It’s a little kid on Christmas morning kinda high, but better.
That little voice is your subconscious mind, your addiction, your mental illness. Prove it wrong.
